Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Thinking is work...why can't someone pay me for it?

I'm not a slacker.  I'm not lazy. I'm a good person.  I do work. It may not be physical but I work. My brain never turns off. That's work too.

Try thinking about everyone's needs in your house 24/7 plus the two stubborn older folks 500 miles away who don't think they need your help and see if that doesn't constitute work. Then try executing those inside thoughts 24/7.  I do that every day. EVERY DAY.

And some of those thoughts have multiple parts. I can't get to the final step until I write it all down, or make a flow chart like this:
Or my thoughts might require me to go to another department (Milton) and ask for some assistance. But I usually have to have all my powerpoint, excel, and word documents together before I venture to the other department. So I have to think about that too. Usually, I fall asleep while I think about that though.

I use all the tools at my disposal: email, texting, instagram, facebook, twitter, tumblr (even though I don't get it), Pinterest, Google+ and I even have a book of stamps for the occasional letter and if I'm desperate I'll pick up the phone and call folks. All so I can get the job done, or at least think about how to do it well. Sometimes I have to go to Michael's or Staples or Children's Place, or the Pediatrician or hop on a plane to see a neurologist to execute all my thinking. All within a moment's notice, or 10 minutes before a kid has to go to school, or 10 minutes after they get out of school.

Instead of telling folks about where I worked, maybe my resume should just be a listing of scenarios that fit those interview questions.

Blue Cross/Blue Shield: Even though we've taken your money for the month and have messed up your health care and have provided you with no services. We won't prorate your health care payment. Even though you now have a tumor and doctor's office shamed you about not having insurance to take care of said tumor. We feel sad for you, but we're definitely not going to help you.
Mom thinks: I should go ninja on this chick. No, I'll wait patiently to see what happens.
Mom executes: Speaks to customer service person in a professional and measured tone. Thanks her for her help (while husband is on the other side of the room shouting talking points) even though she refers me to another person to call after being on the phone with her for an hour. Instead of crying I instead decide to begin the quest for better health in a holistic and organic way that excludes my doctor and her asshole nurse. Then I go to Ihop with other department head (Milton) for some French Toast.

Job description: Presenting optimistic behavior and language in order to teach others while engaging in leadership skills to create positive outcomes.

Kid declares: I don't have enough shorts, I'll wear these really heavy jeans in 90 degree weather.
Mom thinks: that's not a good idea. Sweaty pre-teen plus heavy pants equals stinky person. Mom instead puts her own needs off, moves money from one account to another.
Mom executes: Bing, Bang, Boom, mom is in Target  pushing a cart. Buys shorts, tops, and sports bras. Problem solved.

Job description: Excellent problem solving in a potentially sticky situation

Kid does homework: homework is messy and no one can't read it.
Kid cries, stomps away, doesn't want to do homework over.
Mom thinks: First thought not printable. Second thought: go talk to him.
Mom executes: She says in her not harried or stressed voice that doesn't want to watch Law & Order instead of doing third grade homework. Let's talk about why neat homework is important. They do. He does it.  Mission accomplished. We have smoothies, mom's smoothie has special stuff in it.

Job description: Negotiating with a reluctant client and receiving a desired result.

Kid comes home tells other department head (dad): I have to do a discipline form for my teacher today. I was interrupting during testing.
Mom thinks: I'm pissed. Says a few curse words, calms down. (Mom and teacher are not buddies)
Mom executes: Takes walk with kid finds out what happened. Figures it's an ignorable offense and doesn't dispense more discipline. Moves on.

Job description: Getting along with co-workers to achieve a positive outcome in our common space.

Mom in the Bronx: (Texts) Just letting you know, everything is okay here.
Mom in Raleigh thinking: No it's not.  She's texting me so I don't ask too many questions.
Mom in Raleigh executes: Calls mom in the Bronx. "Hey mom.  What's going on with you and dad?" Two hours later, not sure if I wanted to know everything that was going on, but glad that all my questions were answered, and Dad had his Big Mac.

Job description: Finding an alternative solution to a difficult and uncomfortable situation without costing either parties any money.

If jobs accepted this sort of resume, I'd already be working.

(Back to self-imposed break)

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